I feel obsolete. I feel worthless. I feel like I can no longer justify my existence in a world that only values me on what I can contribute to them.

The relationship I have with my family is purely transactional. My parents are very two-faced about it, but eventually it becomes clear again and again that they see me as nothing more than a parasite wasting space inside their home.

It is becoming more clear that there is no place for me as I currently am.
My life has always been aimless. I thought throughout my childhood that things will eventually work its way out when I grow up, that my problems are nothing more than puberty and hormones. And then I turned 18.

The world was already under a huge lockdown for months, with everyone being told to stay home due to a global outbreak of a new virus.
With such a big problem like this, lots of opportunities have opened for remote jobs where you could work through the internet. Somehow, it seemed that the world could suddenly relate to the lives that people like me have been living for decades. Perhaps this was our opportunity to reconnect and dive into a prosperous adulthood even despite the macroeconomic failure going on in the background.

And then I turned 20.

Mass layoffs. Mass hysteria. Mass distrust among creatives.
Now we are told our hobbies that we have been honing for years are useless. We are told not only that our skills are worthless now, but that we'll eventually be obsolete too.
We are talked about as if we were the elites that were holding back so many people from accomplishing our dreams, meanwhile the real elites are holding both of us back from many resources that we might not even realise we need until it's too late.

My world has never looked more like a desolate wasteland prior to this era. I thought 2020 was bad enough, but now the hobbies I use as an escape are being poisoned too? From within?
I am the last person you should ask about this, but it looks like maturing is realising the world we knew as a teenager never really existed. Realising our hopes were in vain. That there really is nothing in the cards for us beyond living life as yet another cog, to be seen as disposable, to be seen as deficient, and to be seen as inefficient once technology shifts paradigms yet again.

And here I am now, 23 years old.
I can't trust anyone anymore. I can't even trust myself.
The people I thought I knew ended up giving in to a new addiction. Nobody wanted to learn anymore, or perhaps nobody ever wanted to learn as much as I thought they did.
Day after day, the same discussions, the same excuses, the same flame wars. Just under a new coat of paint.

No matter where I go, whether it's family, the workforce, or even communities centred around my hobbies, life is full of the same cycles. Full of the same self-fulfilling prophecies.
Repeating the same shit isn't fun. Futility is boring. Learned helplessness is monotonous enough to make one go insane.

I am sick of this shit. Let's fucking hope I'll at least live to be 25.
Do better.